Salads Are Smart
by dianaglampers177
Summary: This story is about a mutant at The Xavier Institute and a talking salad. They're both best friends and are inseparable. One day, they meet a mysterious and foul-mouthed tree named Dillon. What could this mean for them?
1. Oh, A Salad How Intelligent

Disclaimer: I don't own any of this.

Salads Are Smart

By Diana Moon Glampers

Chapter 1

Oh, A Salad. How Intelligent.

Hello. My name's Freddy, and I'm a student at The Xavier Institute for Higher Learning. My mutant power is the ability to talk to plants and strengthening them. Yeah, I know it might sound kinda lame next to some of the others on campus. My geology teacher can make volcanos come from the ground and I hear the headmaster can read people's minds. Still, talking to plants isn't a bad power. My best friend's a plant, actually. His name is Intelligent Salad.

I met Intelligent Salad years ago, back when I first discovered my powers. I was going to eat him for dinner one night, until he started talking to me, claiming to be my guide in life. He convinced me not to slather him in vinaigrette and eat him, so I kept him around. You'd think that a salad would wilt, die, and get gross after a few years, but Intelligent Salad told me that I can also strengthen plants, which I used to keep him alive all these years. I still sometimes joke about covering him in cheese and croutons, but I'd never do that to him.

I don't have a lot of friends. There is one guy I know, Enrique, but he can be a jerk sometimes. I have a couple of classes with him. There's also this girl named Lauren that I never talk to. I don't think I can. I never was the most outgoing of guys. Lauren isn't even that good-looking, I just can't talk to girls. Still, I think about her sometimes and…

"Freddy, who are you talking to?"

It was Intelligent Salad.

"…No one." I said.

"Well, you'd better get moving. You'll be late for art class."

I had art class with Mr. Rasputin. He's a full-fledged member of The X-Men and has beaten up his share of bad guys, but you wouldn't know it from talking to him. He's the kindest, gentlest teacher on campus.

…

I entered Mr. Rasputin's class, a couple of minutes late.

"You shouldn't have stopped to get a drink. They have sinks in the art room, you know." Intelligent Salad said.

I gave him a glare. Intelligent Salad laughed.

"You know you aren't scaring anyone when you look at me that way, right?" He said.

I set him down next to me at my easel.

I'd been painting a landscape. It was a lot of work, took me about a week to get where I was and I only had about a third of the canvas complete.

"Maybe you'd go faster if you'd get to class on time?" Intelligent Salad said.

"You are insufferable, you know that?" I replied.

I dipped my brush into some nice brown paint for trees until Mr. Rasputin came up to me.

"Fredrick, you're here!"

He seemed pretty excited to see me. I wonder why?

"So, how have you been doing? Is your landscape good?" Mr. Rasputin said.

I looked around and noticed other students. They had their paintings for the most part, finished. That was when I noticed something: It was grading day. Crap.

"It's doing fine. I'm working on some trees by the meadow and…"

"Oh! This place looks wonderful. I want to relax here someday. You know?" Mr. Rasputin said.

He inspected my painting and turned to me again.

"Fredrick, I will not lie. You are a great painter, but you need to work on finishing your projects."

"I know, I know. It's just that I have a lot going on and…"

"Art isn't just about expression, you know. It's also hard work. If I have learned anything in my life, it is that hard work will get you everywhere. So, will you work harder?" He said.

"Yes, Mr. Rasputin."

"Good. Thank you, Fredrick. I need to go, now. There are other students that I must grade."

Mr. Rasputin left. What was my grade? He didn't tell me.

"He didn't tell you because it was dreadful." Intelligent Salad said.

I groaned.

"You're probably right."

I picked up my paintbrush and got right back to my landscape.


	2. Freddy Makes A Friend

Chapter 2

Freddy Makes A Friend

I was outside, on the bleachers by the tennis courts. It was fairly quiet there, mostly because there weren't too many people who played tennis here. It was a great place to study. Intelligent Salad was helping me.

"Okay so, if a ray of light is hitting a surface at 80 degrees and splinters through a prism, each one travelling on a new trajectory, 10 degrees apart, where on the diagram will the lights shine brightest?"

"I don't know." I said.

"You don't know? Freddy, you just got done studying this stuff in Mr. Summers' lecture." Intelligent Salad said.

"Yeah, but he's so boring. Why do I even need to know this kind of stuff anyway?" I said.

"General education, Freddy. It's important, you know. You need it to become a more well-rounded person. Must we go over our trigonometry basics again?" Intelligent Salad said.

"You're a hardass." I said.

Intelligent Salad laughed.

"I guess I can be a 'hardass' as you call it."

I started to go over my notes until I started to hear something. It was a man's voice.

"…Yes. …I see. Understood."

I looked to see who it was. No one else was around.

"You hear that?" I said.

"Yes, I do." Intelligent Salad said.

I stayed quiet so that Intelligent Salad could listen.

"You are a doll. I am serious, I could not do this without you." The voice said.

"I hear it now. I think it's coming from that hill over there." Intelligent Salad said.

I looked over to the hill. There was nothing there except for a tree. That was when I realized who was talking.

"Oh. Right. Plants." I said.

Plants were usually quiet. They usually didn't have a lot to say unless they were in danger. Intelligent Salad's snark was the exception. Did you know that bushes scream when you trim them? It sounds gruesome, but it's actually quite comical.

I walked over to the tree and greeted it.

"…Oh yes. Thank you. You are a real doll, thank you." It didn't seem to notice me. I greeted him.

"Hello! You're a tree?" I said.

The tree grunted.

"Who's there? C'mon, tell me who you are? I'll make 'ya into swiss cheese, I will! You just…"

Intelligent Salad cut in.

"Easy. He is a good boy. Maybe he is one who masturbates a bit too much, but…"

"Hey!" I shouted.

Intelligent Salad laughed. "What? Are you afraid of me embarrassing you in front of this tree? It's not like anyone else can talk to him."

I turned to the tree. He was giggling to himself.

"What's your name, boy?" He said.

"My name's Freddy. Nice to meet you."

"I'm Dillon, proud maple tree. It's nice to meet you, Freddy."

"Yes, and I am The Great Intelligent Salad."

Dillon laughed.

"What the hell kind of name is that?"

"An appropriate one." Intelligent Salad said.

"You gave that name to yerself. I'd bet you feel real secure, ya dumb pile of leaves." Dillon said.

"Hey now, he can be really smart sometimes. He…"

I was interrupted. It was Enrique. He was with some effeminate looking dude with tennis rackets.

"Freddy? Are you talking to trees again?" He said.

"Yes." I said.

Enrique and his friend started laughing.

"This is him. This is that dude who always takes that dumb salad with him everywhere he goes." Enrique said.

"Hey! He's not a dumb salad. He's smart, okay?" I said.

Enrique puffed out his chest.

"Really? Ask the salad the capital of Iceland?"

"Reykjavik." Intelligent Salad said.

"Reykjavik." I repeated.

"Ask the salad who'll win The World Series." Enrique said.

"I'm not a fortune teller." Intelligent Salad said.

"He isn't a fortune teller." I repeated.

"Ask the salad the meaning of life." Enrique said.

"42." Intelligent Salad said.

"I'm not saying that, wiseass." I said.

"Say it. It would amuse me." Intelligent Salad said.

"No, it's a stupid joke that's done to death. I'm not saying it." I said.

"See? The dude is totally schizo. It looks like he's talking to no one." Enrique said. His friend nodded.

I started to feel upset until Dillon, the tree, started moving.

"Hey! You boys stop that. Freddy's a real gent, and I won't stand for any of this."

He tried to poke their eyes with his branches, but I think he just ended up brushing them with his leaves.

"Freddy, is your friend trying to hit us?" Enrique said.

"I think so." I said.

They stepped back, out of the tree's reach.

"Come back here, you ne'er do wells! I'll tear you apart with my branches! I'll fry you like an onion! I'll…"

Dillion started to warm up. I could feel heat coming from him.

"Easy, don't get mad. They weren't doing anything wrong." I said.

"Quite true. Impotent rage never got anyone anywhere." Intelligent Salad agreed.

We all noticed that Enrique and his friend were gone.

"I'm sorry, kid. I guess I get all hot-headed and shit when someone messes with a guy I know." He said.

"It's okay. He isn't a bully or anything, just a guy who can act like a jerk sometimes." I said.

I looked at my watch and noticed that I needed to get going.

"Oh crap. I'll be late for my next class." I said.

"Really? Well, do you think you could come back and visit me again? I'm a lonely tree you know. There aren't too many other trees here." Dillon said.

"Sure. I'll see you again soon." I said.

With that, I left to go to my class.


	3. Gravy Is Delicious

Chapter 3

Gravy Is Delicious

It was lunchtime. I was in the cafeteria, chowing down on some mashed potatoes. Ever since I developed the ability to talk to plants, I stopped eating raw vegetables. I love carrots, love 'em, but hearing one scream as you take a bite out of it is no way to eat. I guess in China, there are guys who will eat live donkey and have no qualms about it, but I guess I'm not one of those people.

"You know, that potato could've been an actor or a poet, right?" Intelligent Salad said.

"Well, he's dead now and smothered in delicious gravy too." I said.

I took an especially large bite out of my lunch just to annoy Intelligent Salad. It took a lot to get him angry, but when he went off, boy was it hilarious. I smacked my lips as I chewed on the already mushy potato dish.

"Must you make that infernal racket when you eat?" He said.

I ignored him and took another huge bite out of my mashed potatoes, sure to chew on them extra loud just to piss off Intelligent Salad.

As I ate my lunch, I noticed that girl I liked, Lauren. She was sitting at her table alone. Intelligent Salad chuckled.

"Isn't she the girl you've been thinking of when you…"

"Hey! Stop it. I don't know about plants, but humans don't talk about stuff like that. It's embarrassing."

To be fair, I was staring at her. She wasn't hot per se, but I was into her personality. She was somewhat of a loser, one of those nerdy girls that are into stuff like sci-fi, anime, and fanfiction.

"Bah! Why would you settle for a substandard mate? There are plenty of far more attractive hussies for you to pleasure yourself to." Intelligent Salad said.

"They're out of my league, dude." I replied.

"Leagues… They are limitations, a construct of the mind to hold you back from what you truly desire. They are your mind telling you lies, that you are not good enough and you believe them. It is all…" Intelligent Salad said.

I had to laugh.

"Do you have any idea of how ridiculous you sound?"

"Bah! I am not ridiculous!"

"I don't know, man. A talking salad ranting at me for being into the wrong girls is pretty ridiculous to me." I said.

I turned back to Lauren. She was wearing a hat, the same kind of hat that Castro wore. I don't think I'd ever seen her without it. Rumor is that she's got bug antenna underneath it. I guess it kind of goes with her mutant power, the ability to transform into some kind of giant hornet monster. I've never seen her do it before, but I know that she can do it. According to Enrique, who has seen it once, the transformation shreds her clothes and she's naked when she turns back. I guess that's a good enough reason for not wanting to use that power often.

"You should talk to her, Freddy." Intelligent Salad said.

"Why? Weren't you just saying that I need to aim higher or something?"

"I changed my mind. Seeing two equally low creatures on the social ladder is, shall we say, cute?" Intelligent Salad said.

"Well, it doesn't matter. You know how good I am with talking to girls, right?"

Earlier this year, I tried to talk to this cute Asian girl named Jubilation, but I ended up making an ass of myself. I had problems making eye contact. I turned to my salad and asked it for advice as I went. I shortened her name to "Ju", which got me a few funny looks from the people around me. She laughed at me, told me I was funny, and promptly avoided me for the rest of her life. I totally blew my chances with her and I don't want to make those same mistakes again. What's the first step toward never making mistakes? Not trying.

"You are such a defeatist." Intelligent Salad said.

"Oh yeah? Well you're a gravy salad now."

I poured my excess gravy from my potatoes all over Intelligent Salad. The burning hot liquid scalded and wilted the salad's leaves.

"Ahhh! Stop this at once! It burns! It burns!"

"I'll strengthen you and make it all go away if you take that back." I said.

Intelligent Salad shouted in pain again.

"I will do no such thing! A redaction of a statement is mockery and The Great Intelligent Salad will not be mocked!"

I grabbed my plastic fork and poked his leaves.

"Stop that! Do not even joke of eating me. You need me, Freddy. I am you guidance, the Jimminy Cricket to your Pinocchio, the Mushuu to your Mulan. You are only hurting yourself. Now heal me this instant!"

"First I want you to say you're sorry." I said.

"I am sorry. Now strengthen me!"

"Now say that I'm not a defeatist." I said.

Intelligent Salad groaned.

"If I must. You are not a defeatist. You are a… Ugh… Strong young man."

With that, I activated my strengthening powers. Intelligent Salad was as good as new. His leaves were no longer wilted. There were no longer fork holes in him either. He was just a normal salad after he was strengthened, maybe one that smelled like gravy, but otherwise normal.

"Good. Now talk to her." Intelligent Salad said.

"Aren't you going to thank me?" I said with a smug grin.

"A god who damns a man and rescues him with the same hand does not deserve praise." Intelligent Salad said.

"Really? I don't know. I'd be pretty thankful if I were in your position." I said, brandishing my fork.

"…Thank you, oh great and powerful Freddy. Thank you." His words were dripping with insincerity. I knew I'd done it now. I really pissed him off. Who knew that making salads angry could be so fun?


	4. Fairy-boy

Chapter 4

Fairy-boy

I was in my dorm room. All of my classes were finished. All of my homework was done. All of my studies were finished for the day. You know what that means? It was time play video games in my underwear! Yes, that was what I loved more than anything else, the hobby to end all hobbies. Exploring dungeons and fighting monsters was fun yes, but exploring dungeons and fighting monsters in your underwear? Now that was quality fun time.

I was sitting in my room, my head way too close to the TV, playing Legend of Zelda. Intelligent Salad was with me, as always. I didn't mind him seeing me do stupid stuff like this.

"You know, if Zelda is so legendary, then why doesn't she save the day?" I said as I jerked the controller to avoid some monsters.

"Zelda is nothing but a harpy, a Lady Macbeth if I'd ever seen one. Her power is from manipulating the people around her to do her bidding, her…"

I had to cut in.

"She isn't a harpy. She is a noble, pure princess in danger. It's my duty as a hero to save her." I said.

"Bah. Do you think you're the first hero to save her? She's probably been saved many times before, all by different men. I'd bet she…"

"Shut up." I said.

Intelligent Salad laughed.

"Are the images in your mind crumbling, Freddy? Images stop you from seeing the world for how it really is, you know."

I moved my character into a room. It was full of skeletons. I was completely surrounded and died.

"Man… I would do anything for you, Zelda. I'd die for you as many times as it takes to be with you." I said.

"Why? What did this 'Zelda' character ever do for you? She's a graphic in a game, a false depiction, a mere representation of a princess." Intelligent Salad said.

"Your imagination can do a lot, Salad." I said.

I started to reset my game so that I could play some more until I heard a voice from outside of my window.

"Yoohoo! Is that you, Freddy?"

It sounded like an old lady.

"Now who the devil could that be?" Intelligent Salad said.

I looked out my window, and sure enough, it was an old woman. She was about six inches tall, had magical butterfly wings, and a magic wand. She smiled when she saw me.

"Care to let me in, Freddy?"

"…Who are you, and how do you know my name?" I said.

The tiny old lady curtsied.

"Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Bloodywisp and I'm a fairy. I'm very good friends with that tree you know, Dillon." She said.

"So, I'd take it that Dillon told you about me?" I said.

Intelligent Salad cut in.

"You can talk to plants too?" He said.

"That's right, Intelligent Salad! I can also read people's souls, make bad dreams go away, turn children's tears into nickels… And I have a magical dimension inside my bum!" Bloodywisp replied.

I wasn't sure what to make of this. Dillon seemed pretty normal… Err, I guess he was as normal as a talking tree could be, but this was just weird. Then again, I'd heard of weirder things happening in this world. Maybe I should test this… I'm pretty sure plants can read my thoughts and I could read theirs. Can Bloodywisp do the same with me? I began thinking of some gruesome stuff… Smashing her with my hands, sticking her in a blender, cooking her alive…

"Oh come now, others can't read your mind. What makes you think she can?" Intelligent Salad said.

"Not true. The headmaster can read my mind." I said.

"The headmaster is a bald-headed meanie! He doesn't believe in fairies." Bloodywisp said.

"And what might those be?" Intelligent Salad said.

"Whimsy! Wonder! Fantastical journeys that can take you far away! That is the wonder of fairies, my leafy good friend. Okay, that and a nice empty rectum with all the poop pushed out of it. That's the other finest thing in the world, right there." She said.

I was speechless.

"You're a loony, aren't you?" Intelligent Salad said.

"Loony? I prefer charming." She said while batting her eyes.

"Right. I've had quite enough of you. Goodbye." I said.

I started to close my window until Bloodywisp shouted.

"Wait! Wait, Freddy! This is real important."

I held the window open and listened.

"Dillon needs your help, Freddy. Can you be a good friend to him? Friendship is a wonderful thing and being friends is an amazing feeling."

"Okay. Out with it. What does he want me to do?" I said.

"Could you get him some drugs?"

I cocked my eyebrow.

"What?"

"Drugs. You know, Tylenol, Advil, Aspirin, refers, anything! Dillon loves drugs and he'd really appreciate it if you got him some." Bloodywisp said.

"One of those things is not like the others." I said.

"Oh, is that from Sesame Street? I love Sesame Street! I always like how Bert's head looked like a banana, a sexy, phallic banana." Bloodywisp said.

I was getting fed up with her.

"Okay. I'm done with you." I said.

I closed the window and turned back to my game.

"Don't forget! Drugs! Maybe some Advil. Or cocaine! He likes that one just as much." Bloodywisp said.

"Clearly she is an imbecile." Intelligent Salad said.

I nodded and got right back to exploring dungeons and killing skeletons.


	5. Radical Mental Barrier, Man

Chapter 5

Radical Mental Barrier, Man

I was in art class with Mr. Rasputin again. I was painting my landscape, almost done, when he came over to inspect it.

"Ah, Fredrick. I see you are unsteady in your brushstrokes."

I was? I looked down and… Oh lord, I completely screwed up that river. It looked crooked and uneven next to the rest of the painting.

"Is something troubling you?" Mr. Rasputin said.

Intelligent Salad groaned.

"You aren't seriously going to tell him about that fairy that visited you last night, are you?"

I ignored him.

"An old lady came to my dorm last night. She… Ah, you wouldn't believe me." I said.

Mr. Rasputin laughed.

"Fredrick, I have seen many things over the years as an X-Man. If I have learned anything, it is that nothing is unbelievable."

I cleared my throat and began.

"Well… There was this fairy that was six inches tall and had wings. She flew up to my window and asked me to give a tree some Advil."

Mr. Rasputin wasn't sure what to make of this.

"Maybe you should ask campus security about this. Unauthorized beings around here can be a serious threat." He said.

He wasn't kidding. This school had been bombed in the past by supervillains. Security was a big issue here, so he was probably right to suggest this to me.

"Thanks, Mr. Rasputin." I said.

"It is not a problem, Fredrick. Just know that if there is anything I can do for a student, I will do it for them."

He patted his hand on my shoulder and walked to the next student to inspect their painting. It felt kind of nice to know that Mr. Rasputin was looking out for me.

"He makes a good point. You should talk to that head of security man… Who was that idiot?"

"The Crimson Rooster" I said.

The Crimson Rooster, also called Steve, was the head of security around here. He originally wanted to be a member of The X-Men, but he didn't have what it took to get in. He had his code name all picked out and everything. His power was really gross. He could cut himself and make his blood do whatever he wanted. I'd seen him do it a few times, once to make his blood into a key to get a guy who was trapped in his own locker and another time to turn it into a sword because he wanted to chase away some door to door salesmen who stopped by. He was a total nut, but I guess he was who we had for security around here.

After class was over, I headed over to Rooster's shack. It was a dirty old place, like it probably used to be a tool barn or something. I knocked on the door and he answered.

"Campus security. What can I do for ya?" He said.

"I'd like to report an unauthorized person on campus." I said.

He pulled out a notepad.

"Uh-huh. Describe 'em."

"She was six inches tall, looked about 50 years old, and she asked me about giving a tree some Advil." I said.

The Crimson Rooster wrote this all down. He wasn't taking this seriously, was he?

"Right. I'll have this old bat out of the slammer in no time."

"Don't you mean you'll have her in the slammer?" I said.

"Same difference." The Crimson Rooster said.

With that, he closed the door on me and continued doing whatever strange little men do in tiny smelly sheds.

I left to go find some place quiet to study… Ah, yes, the tennis courts. They were usually pretty vacant. I set Intelligent Salad down next to me and opened my books. The only person around was a groundskeeper mowing the lawn. Screaming grass can be surprisingly melodic.

"I don't think that 'The Crimson Rooster' guy is going to be terribly useful." Intelligent Salad said.

"Yeah, I know. I was thinking about asking Dillon about her and…"

My conversation was interrupted when I noticed Enrique again. He was alone this time, with a hacksaw. He approached Dillon and brandished his tool.

"I don't have to take shit from a moving tree." He said.

I didn't hear Dillon say anything, but I did see Enrique saw a branch off of him. The tree screamed.

"Do you know who you are messing with, boyo? Do you?"

Dillon started to glow, like he was heating up again like I saw before. Enrique dropped his saw and ran away.

"And don't come back, ya bum!" Dillon said.

I turned to Intelligent Salad.

"I'd take it they had another encounter?" He said.

"Probably. Enrique's a doofus. He seems like the kind of guy who'd have a feud over something stupid like that."

I walked over to Dillon, who seemed to be expecting me.

"Ah yes! It's my pal, my buddy-boy, Freddy! How's it going? Did you talk to Bloodywisp?"

"…About that. Who is she and why did she come to me last night?" I said.

"Oh, you don't worry about her. Bloodywisp is a magical fairy. She lives in my butt."

Words failed me.

"How is that even possible? Trees do not have butts." Intelligent Salad said.

"Hey now, who says I was always a tree? I was once a man, you know. I had a good butt back then. All the maidens and lassies in the land wanted a good 'ol piece of Dillon's amazing butt. It was so sexy that they'd kiss it. They always loved puttin' their lips on my arse, even after I farted!"

Dillon laughed to himself as he said this.

"Oh boy, were those good times. I miss having an ass, Freddy. I also miss having a schlong too. Oh, what I'd give to have a shlong again… That's why you need to get me some drugs, Freddy. If you give me some drugs, I can turn back into a man again, and as a man, I can finally be free again."

I dug into my pockets and pulled out some Advil.

"This'll do, right?" I said.

Dillon moved his branches closer to me.

"Advil… Do you think you could get me some opium instead? I do love me some opium."

"What do we look like, some kind of 19th century lobsters? Where the hell would we get some opium?" Intelligent Salad said.

"You can still find opium. I know you can. I'd smoke the stuff all the time back before I was a tree." Dillon said.

"How long have you been a tree again?" I asked.

"About three years. Now gimme the Advil, gimme! Gimme! Gimme! Bury it in the soil by my roots and gimme!"

I turned to Intelligent Salad.

"Just give it to him." He said.

I dug a small hole in the ground and put some Advil in the hole. I saw his roots crunch up the pills and absorb their powder.

"Oh yeah, that's the stuff. Whoo, I am so high right now I could be a kite!"

"…You can get high on Advil?" I said.

"Maybe humans can't. I don't know about idiotic tree men." Intelligent Salad said.

"Oh yes! My mental barrier… I can feel it falling. It's… Nope. High's over. Think you could get me some harder stuff?" He asked.

"Harder?" I said.

"How about some opium? I really love that stuff. It should crush my mental barrier and make me a man fast." Dillon said.

"We're not getting you any opium, you loony." Intelligent Salad said.

I cut in.

"Hey now. This guy needs help. I mean, if I were a tree and I wanted to be a man again because of some kind of mental barrier or some crap, then I'd want to turn back too."

"Bah. You just sympathize with him not having a schlong, you masturbator." Intelligent Salad said.

The urge to eat that wiseass salad was rising.

Dillon chuckled.

"To be fair, if I were a flowering tree, I'd have penises all over me. Penis on my arms, penis on my scalp, penis on my fingers…"

"I didn't need to know that." I said.

The mental image of a magnolia tree with penises instead of flowers burned into my mind. I really wanted to forget that.

"Right. I'll come back sometime soon with some opium, okay? Just tell that Bloodywisp to stay away from me." I said.

"Aw, now what's wrong with her? Bloodywisp is a real doll, she is." Dillon said.

"She freaks me out." I said.

"…Right. I'll see to it that she puts a stop to all that rubbish." Dillon said.

I began to walk away.

"Okay. I guess I'll see you later, Dillon."

"Goodbye, Freddy. Goodbye, Intelligent Salad."


	6. Freddy and Intelligent Salad Meet A

Chapter 6

Freddy and Intelligent Salad Meet A Pretty Lady

I was in the middle of that awful math class with Mr. Summers. He was giving a really boring lecture on planes, slopes, reflecting light, prisms, and a whole bunch of other math stuff that I really could care less about.

"…Just remember, that if you go out into the field and a guy has a pulse rifle, and trust me they usually do, you can use these formulas to be sure that they never hit you." Mr. Summers said.

Could he get any less boring? Even then, who the hell could do all this advanced math in their head in the time it takes to dodge a pulse rifle? This isn't practical! It's…

My thoughts were interrupted. A tall, white-haired woman wearing huge boots and tight leather lingerie walked into the classroom. Who the hell was this woman, some kind of stripper? Either way, she was pretty and I may sound like a pig for saying this, but she was a hell of a lot more interesting than advanced math formulas.

"Ms. Munroe?" Mr. Summers said to the woman.

She smiled.

"I need one of your students to come with me. Fredrick Clayton? Is he in here?"

Holy crap! That was me! What did she want me for?

"Freddy, that hussy over there is Ms. Munroe, one of the leaders in this school. You met her on orientation day, remember?"

No. I think if I saw a half-naked leather queen on my first day, I'd remember it.

Intelligent Salad sighed at my thoughts.

"She was wearing normal clothes when we first met her."

Ms. Munroe spoke up again.

"I repeat, is Fredrick Clayton here?"

I stood up.

"That's me." I said.

"Good. Come with me. We have some important things to talk about."

She took me by the hand and led me out of the classroom and down the hall.

"Do you go by Freddy?" Ms. Munroe said.

"Yeah." I said. I held up Intelligent Salad.

"And this guy is…"

She interrupted.

"I already know about your Intellectual Salad." She said.

"That's Intelligent Salad." I said to correct her.

She gave me another laugh.

"I see. Well Freddy, I'm here to test you on something real important, something that we value more than anything else here at The Xavier Institute." Ms. Munroe said.

"Oh good lord, it isn't something saccharine like love or sharing, is it?" Intelligent Salad said.

"Teamwork." Ms. Munroe said.

She paused for a moment and continued.

"We value teamwork above all else here. That's why we're going to put you and a few other students in a specially designed scenario and see how well you do. Remember: You'll be graded on your teamwork, not whether or not you complete the scenario."

I knew what was coming, The Danger Room. They talked about the place back on orientation. I'd never gone in there before, but I was nervous. I mean come on, right? The place is called The Danger Room! A place with a name like that is right up there with "The Woods of no Return", "The Caves of Death", or "Laceration Valley". Even then, I didn't have much fighting experience. How the hell was I supposed to make it out alive?

"Let the fools rush in and use their corpses as shields." Intelligent Salad said.

Shut up. I'm serious.

"I'm serious too. Your only hope of making it out alive here is to let the strong fight for you and attack like an opportunist. It may not be the most honorable or praiseworthy fighting, but it is your only hope." Intelligent Salad said.

Ms. Munroe turned to me.

"You okay?" She said.

"Yeah. I'm fine." I replied.

"Your palms are sweating. It's okay to be nervous, you know." She said.

No shit I was nervous. Anyone would be if they were going to a place called The Danger Room.

Ms. Munroe took me to a locker to get changed into a field uniform. Those things leave very little to the imagination, all form-fitting and such. Anyone who looked could see my bulge. Oh lord, if I get deployed and captured by a villain, they'll see my bulge and laugh at how small it is.

"You don't have a small penis, Freddy." Intelligent Salad said.

Shut up. I do. Don't lie to me.

"You don't. I'm not lying." Intelligent Salad said.

No, I do. That's why none of the ladies want me.

"No, ladies don't want you because you don't talk to them. What is it with you animal celled beings and genitalia anyway?" Intelligent Salad said.

I didn't feel like arguing with him even more and just went to The Danger Room. Time to face my fears and get it over with.

I met with Ms. Munroe in the Danger Room entrance. She had a two other students around my age with her. There was a muscled up guy I didn't know and… was that Lauren? She wasn't wearing her Castro hat, meaning that her antenna were in full view. I tried not to stare at them. That would be rude.

"There won't be a better time to talk with her, Freddy. Take the opportunity." Intelligent Salad said.

Okay. Yeah, you're right. Let's be calm, relax, and start slow.

"Hey, Lauren. Remember me, Freddy?" I said.

She smiled.

"Oh, I know you! You're from my Geology class with Ms. Aquilla. How's it going?"

"Okay. I'm a little scared." I said.

"Really? I'm excited. This is going to be fun. I'm actually going to be working in a team!"

Well, she seemed to be more interested in this than I was. I guess that was a little encouraging.

Ms. Munroe turned to us.

"Okay, boys. The scenario is pretty simple. Sentinels are attacking the city and they've captured some mutant children. Your goal is to rescue the children and defeat the sentinel fleet."

Sentinels? The hell, does she want to kill us? I've seen those things on the news and they are huge! How the hell are we supposed to fight them?

"You should probably get to know each other a little before going in. Take a few seconds to talk and then we'll begin."

The muscled up dude spoke up.

"I guess I'll go first. My name's Zack. I'm from Sydney, Australia. I work out every day, like to watch wrestling, and my favorite food is asparagus. My mutant power is that I have real sharp teeth and my saliva can melt diamonds."

Great, his power is super eating. I'm not sure how useful that'll be, but it could come up.

"My name's Lauren. I'm from Austin, Texas. I like to read sci-fi novels, I watch anime and cooking shows, and my favorite food is ice cream. My mutant power is turning into a giant bee."

Zack gave her a strange look. She only giggled. I guess it was my turn.

"My name's Freddy. I'm from Bangor, Maine. I like video games, watching tennis, and my favorite food is mashed potatoes. My mutant power is talking to plants and strengthening them."

Zack tilted his head.

"Talking to plants?" He said.

I held up my best friend.

"Yeah. This here is my best friend, Intelligent Salad. Say hi, Intelligent Salad!" I said with a big stupid grin.

"You're making me look like a buffoon, Freddy." The salad said.

The door to The Danger Room opened. We walked in. The simulation had begun.


	7. Getting Hurt Hurts

Chapter 7

Getting Hurt Hurts

We entered The Danger Room, which morphed from a metal box into a sprawling city before our eyes. I don't know why, but I felt kind of nostalgic. Maybe it was because it reminded me of home. There were cars everywhere, people walking and going about their lives, tiny trees dotting the sidewalk, and the sound of a radio in the distance.

"We built this city! We built this city on Rock 'n Roll!"

"Ugh. Did Ms. Munroe put this song in the simulation to torture us?" Zack said.

"I kind of like it. It's fun." Lauren said. She started dancing to the music. I really wish I could say that I was hypnotized by her movements and kinetic beauty, but let's be honest here, she dances like an ogre who just stubbed his toe.

Intelligent Salad spoke up.

"Freddy, this is bad. I can't perceive computers very well. They aren't alive or organic, so they just look like shadows and static to me."

"What? Are you serious? Of all the times when you could've quit on me, you quit now, right here with the inevitable giant robot attack?" I said.

Lauren and Zack stared at me. They couldn't hear Intelligent Salad, so to them, it looked like I was having a one-sided conversation.

"I'm sorry, Freddy. I'll try to help you when I can, but my power as the smartest salad in the world is limited."

Okay. I'll try to keep you updated on everything. Just follow my narration, okay?

"How can I not? It's all I can hear sometimes." Intelligent Salad said.

We heard something in the distance, an explosion.

"Those robots must be over there. Come on, let's go." Zack said.

Nice to see him take charge as the leader. He'd probably make a better X-man than me. Lauren and I followed him toward where the explosions were. There was another one, followed by smoking coming up from a building. I heard people screaming and panicking. A robotic voice spoke.

"Do not be alarmed, humans. We are only here for mutant capture."

It was like listening to a computer from Hell, its words so calm and yet so full of malice.

Lauren turned to me.

"You can strengthen plants. Can you turn them into swords?" She said.

What the hell was she talking about?

"Turn them into swords?" I said.

"Yeah! I saw this anime once where a guy could strengthen objects and turn them into blades. He would say some magic words and then he'd make normal everyday objects super sharp and then he'd try to fight people and then…"

"No, I just make plants strong and healthy." I said.

She gave me a disappointed look.

Before I could say anything else, I saw a sentinel crash down next to us.

"Halt, mutant. Surrender right now or face extermination."

It held its finger out at us and revealed a gun hidden inside. I wasn't sure what to do. I knew this was all a simulation, but it was called a Danger Room and…

"Don't just stand there narrating to yourself! Run!" Intelligent Salad said.

Those were some of the smartest words he ever said. The sentinel fired. I ran as fast as I could. Lauren ran in a different direction.

"I'll go find the other mutants and take them to safety. You and Zack can handle these robots, right?"

"I hope!" I said.

The sentinel fired more rounds of bullets. I ran even more and took cover behind a car. The giant robot made a fist and extended its wrist. It punched the car from where it stood. I ran out of the way again, but still felt broken glass fly at me. I was cut. There was blood on my neck.

"Crap! Crap! Crap!" I shouted.

The sentinel flew right in front of me and aimed its finger gun at me again.

"This is your final warning, mutant. Surrender or…"

Before it could finish, I saw Zack lunge at the sentinel. He bit into it with his razor sharp teeth and drooled acid all over its leg, corroding the robot's metal body. He spat the chunk of metal out and took another bite, this time hitting its face. The sentinel deactivated, dead.

"You… You saved me!" I said.

"Hey, that's teamwork, right? Now come on, Freddy. Let's give these tin cans hell."

Zack and I approached another sentinel, this one holding a child in its hand.

"Mutant confirmed. Return to base." It said.

The sentinel started to thrust its jets and leave, but

"Oh no, you don't!" Zack said. He bit into the robot's jet thruster, but there was a problem. The fire went off just as he bit into it. There was an explosion. The sentinel's leg blew off. Zack was covered in flames. He dropped to the ground and screamed. I had to do something. He was going to burn to death if I didn't save him!

"Strengthen me, Freddy. You can use me as a fire blanket." Intelligent Salad said.

"What? No! That won't work!" I said.

"It is better than standing and doing nothing at all. Now do it, I say!"

I didn't want to do this. It was putting my best friend in danger, but I guess the life of a mutant was more important than the life of a salad. I dumped Intelligent Salad all over Zack.

"Augh! Freddy, heal me! My moisture is fighting the fire! Heal me!"

I activated my strengthening. It took a lot of focus to do this. I saw Intelligent Salad grow green and then rapidly turn to blackened ash. I tried to heal him again.

"Are you okay?" I said.

"The fire… You're putting it out! Noice!" Zack said.

"No I'm not okay! I'm dying and rebirthing every two seconds! Now I know what Hell feels like!" Intelligent Salad said.

Once the fire was out, I inspected Zack. All of his hair was gone and most of his uniform was destroyed. His skin was an ugly burnt shade of red.

"Freddy… The kid." He said.

"The kid? You almost died and you're thinking about a virtual simulation child?" I said.

"I'm not failing this, Freddy. If I do, then I just got burnt for nothing." He stood up and walked toward the child that the sentinel was holding. The kid was scared and crying. Zack walked over to him.

"Hey, it's okay. We're The X-Men. We're here to save you. We're…" He collapsed. I could tell that he was still breathing, but he was definitely out of commission. I turned to the kid.

"I'll get you to a safe place, okay?" I said.

The kid nodded. I started to take them both to a safe place, until I heard a man call out.

"Baby, are you okay?"

"Daddy!"

It was the kid's father. He scooped 'em up and looked at me.

"Thank you. Whoever you are, thank you." He said.

I put on a serious face.

"Evacuate right now. This place isn't safe." I said.

"Right. Thanks." The father said. He took his kid away and evacuated.

"You handled that well." Intelligent Salad said.

"Thanks, but what do I do with him?" I said, turning to Zack.

Before he could answer, I saw Lauren running toward me.

"Okay, I got some good news and bad news." She said.

Great. Just great.

"The good news is that I got all of the mutants in the area to safety. The bad news is…"

She looked at me funny.

"What's wrong, Lauren?" I said.

"Is this really the time?" Her words dripped with venom.

"Time for what?" I asked.

My eyes followed hers. That was when I noticed something. I had an erection, a throbbing erection that a man could only get when his life was in danger, the elusive FEAR BONER. I felt awful. This really was not the appropriate time, but… I couldn't stop it! It wasn't like I could hide it either. I had a skintight costume, one that I never liked much to begin with and…

"Mutants detected. Authorization to use force granted."

Crap. That must have been the bad news. There were three sentinels behind Lauren. Each one of them converted their hands into different weapons, a pulse rifle, a chainsaw, and an electric whip.

"A chainsaw? Why would a sentinel need a chainsaw? Is there a mutant that can turn into wood?" Intelligent Salad said.

"It's dangerous, okay? Don't question it." I replied.

The sentinel with the pulse rifle fired. Lauren grabbed me by the hand and yanked me behind a building. The shots missed, but I could hear the other two with the close range weapons stomping toward us.

"Freddy, I need you to be useful. Act like a diversion."

"A diversion? What, you mean possibly get hurt?" I said.

"We're getting graded on teamwork, remember? There's two of us and three of them. We can't take them head-on. I need you to be a distraction." She said.

Whip jumped into the air and landed right in front of us. It twirled its weapon and swung its arm. There was no time to think, only run. The attack missed, but it was close, like I could feel the electricity in the air. My penis got wiggly, like it was about to explode.

"Why, boner? Why?" I shouted.

"Teenage humans and their hormones…" Intelligent Salad grumbled. He paused and gave me my next tip.

"Whips can break if used improperly. See if you can disarm it through trickery." He said.

The whip sentinel swung its arm at me again. I was too slow this time and felt it. The pain… The whip put a huge gash across my leg. The electricity surged through me like some kind of burning monster raking my skin.

"Don't pay attention to the pain. Focus! Look for something you can use against him." Intelligent Salad said.

I saw a flag pole on a nearby building. Thinking quickly, I got up and ran behind it. The sentinel pulled its whip arm back and swung. I jumped back and watched. The whip wound up around the flag pole. When the sentinel tried pulling the whip back, it tore the pole out of the ground. The force jammed the flag pole straight into the robot's face. It fell over, destroyed.

"Did you win?" Intelligent Salad said.

You read the narration, right? It's dead.

"Oh good. Now go look for Lauren. She probably needs you." Intelligent Salad said.

I nodded. For once in my life, I felt like a total badass. I actually killed a giant robot! Okay, it was really a simulation of a giant robot, but the danger was real and that was what mattered.

I heard explosions down the street and ran toward the noise. There was smoke and rubble everywhere.

"Lauren?" I said.

I looked around, but didn't see her.

"On the ground, next to your foot." Intelligent Salad said.

What? I checked the ground and saw not Lauren, but her uniform. It was discarded and had huge holes in it. That was when I realized what had happened. She'd turned into a bug. I started to wonder if she was okay, until the sentinel with the chainsaw landed in front of me.

"Commencing attack."

Crap. I tried to run, but I wasn't sure if I could. Its whirring blades made an unholy sound, one that I'm sure would've made weaker people deaf.

"Stop the simulation! Stop!" I shouted.

The sentinel thrust its chainsaw toward me. I moved to try to avoid it, but I felt its blade graze my arm. Blood splattered on my face.

"Stop it! I want out! Stop! Stop! Stop!"

"I don't think that's the safe word, Freddy." Intelligent Salad said.

"Shut up. If I'm going to die in here, then I'm not going to die listening to you be a snarky little…"

There was a crash followed by a loud buzz. The sentinel emitted sparks and fell over. On its back, I saw a gigantic hornet, Lauren. I could see her own blood dripping from her stinger, like a syringe. I wasn't sure what to make of that, but it was grotesque.

"One more to go." She said. It seemed really off that a giant bug still had a human voice.

We turned to the sentinel with the pulse rifle. It had its leg torn off, probably by Lauren when I was busy with the one with the whip.

"Well this is it, Freddy. Did you study Mr. Summers' notes?" Intelligent Salad said.

Crap. This stuff actually does come up? Okay, there was something about matrices and trigonometry… Wait, what the hell? Why do that when I could just run? I took cover behind another car and felt it shake as the sentinel fired.

"What a waste. You could have put that knowledge to good use." Intelligent Salad said.

"This really isn't the time." I said.

"It isn't the time for erections either."

"Shut up, it went down." I said.

I heard Lauren buzzing again. I looked from behind the car and saw her jamming her stinger into the sentinel's head. She spewed blood all over the place when she did that. It looked really weird and gross. I wasn't even sure why, something about the blood from her stinger was especially disgusting.

Once the last sentinel was dead, the simulation was over. We were all in a large metal room again. Zack was on the floor, burnt and holding his body in pain. I saw Lauren change back into human form. She was completely naked and covered in blood. …I didn't get an erection from her, I swear.

"What, so you'll get one out of fear, but not because you see the woman you desire right in front of you, naked?" Intelligent Salad said.

She's covered in blood. Besides, after seeing her as a giant hornet monster, I wasn't sure if I could think of her the same way.

Ms. Munroe stepped into the danger room, clapping her hands.

"Bravo. Bravo. You did an excellent job." She said.

Zack coughed.

"Hey lady, get me to the infirmary right now!" He said.

Ms. Munroe put on a smirk.

"Say please."

Wow. Was she a sadist or something? Seeing how she was dressed in leather underwear, it was a good guess.

"Please get me to the infirmary." Zack said.

Ms. Munroe turned to Lauren and I.

"What about you two?"

"I'm fine." Lauren said. She was hyperventilating, probably still high from all the adrenaline.

"I have a few cuts, but I think I'll be okay." I said.

"I'll get you some ointment and some bandages for the cuts." Ms. Munroe said. She turned to Zack.

"You, my friend, fought bravely. Maybe have a little bit more fortitude and some experience and you'll become a member in no time."

I guess it was nice that Zack did so good. To be fair, he was brave and he did help us with teamwork. I didn't know about myself, though. I barely did shit.


	8. Get Sweaty

Chapter 8

Get Sweaty

"Ow! That really stings!"

I was in Ms. Munroe's office. She had me undress down to my underwear so she could put some smelly ointment on my cuts and gash. She let out a chuckle whenever I shouted in pain. I know there are some guys who would think this is hot, but me? No, it hurt like hell and I wanted it to end. She seemed to be enjoying it, though.

"Ow! Crap! What is this stuff, liquid pain?" I said.

"It's a balm from back home we used to cure people after lion attacks." Ms. Munroe said.

"Lion attacks?" I said.

"I grew up in Wakanda. They're masters of medicine there, you know." Ms. Munroe replied.

I felt thoroughly humiliated now that I was covered in smelly goo that was supposed to make me heal faster.

"Your tactics were pretty good, by the way. It could've been better, though." Ms. Munroe said.

"Bah. My tactics are flawless." Intelligent Salad said.

Ms. Munroe continued.

"You could have tricked the sentinels into shooting each other. There's a software bug in them that makes them susceptible to targeting errors."

"How was I supposed to know that?" I said.

"Believe me, if their targeting was flawless, they'd never miss. The fact that they weren't hitting you should have told you that something was off." She replied.

"Unbelievable! They would not have shot each other. No programmer is that stupid." Intelligent Salad said.

I don't know. She is the one that put them into The Danger Room. If she's the one running it, then it must be true.

"Also, I put some trees along the sidewalk just for you. If you would have thought to ask them for advice, they would have told you." Ms. Munroe said.

"Umm… I can only talk to real trees, not virtual ones." I said.

"They would have responded anyway." She said.

Crap. I guess I wasn't utilizing my powers to their fullest extent.

"You did save all of the civilians and defeat the sentinel fleet, though. That's certainly saying something." She said. I started to feel proud of what Zack, Lauren, and I had accomplished, but then she spread some more ointment on my leg wound.

"Ow! Crap!"

Once she was done, I got dressed in my normal clothes and headed back for my dorm. I had a lot to do. Homework, makeup schoolwork for the classes I missed, finding out how the hell I'm going to get some opium for Dillon…

"You're still on that?" Intelligent Salad said.

Why wouldn't I? He needs to turn back into a man, right?

"Dillon's better off as a tree." Intelligent Salad said.

Before I could return to my dorm, I was met with Enrique. He looked sweaty, like he'd just finished playing one hell of a tennis game.

"Hey, Freddy. How's it hanging?"

I didn't feel like putting up with him, so I decided I might as well see if I can get some info from him.

"Hey Enrique, do you know where I can find some opium?" I said.

He gave me a look.

"Seriously, Freddy?" He said.

"I am dead serious. I need to find some opium." I said.

Enrique groaned.

"I don't know if dealers even sell that anymore."

"Well, I need it." I said.

Enrique looked around. No one else was here. Was he going to tell me?

"Okay, Freddy. I'll let you in on a secret. There's a girl who goes to this school and her mutant power is that her sweat is hallucinogenic. It's not opium, but you won't get in trouble for drinking the stuff. I tried it once and I never want to try it again. It's not a good trip." He said.

"Really? Who is she?" I said.

"Her name's Gretchen. She's on the track team and tomorrow's going to be a hot day. All the pervs are going to want to steal her dirty laundry and use it to get high." Enrique said.

"Thanks, man. I appreciate it." I said.

I started to leave, but Enrique stopped me.

"Wait, Freddy." He said.

"Yeah?"

"I want you to promise me you won't drink her sweat." He said.

"I'm not. It's for someone else." I said.

"I'm serious. Promise me, okay? Drugs are bad for you, man. Like I said, I took some of her sweat once and it messed with my head. I'm never doing it again." Enrique said.

"I'm giving it to Dillon." I replied. Enrique's face lit up. He put on an evil smile.

"Make him OD." He said.

"Maybe." I said.

"I hate that tree so much. Make him OD."

I said goodbye to Enrique and took note of Gretchen's sweat. I wasn't sure how easy it would be, what with other perverts wanting to steal her sweaty clothes too, but I was up for the challenge.


	9. Animal Celled Beings Are The Worst

Chapter 9

Animal Celled Beings Are The Worst

It was the day after I was in The Danger Room. I was still a bit sore from the experience, but at least my cuts and gash were healed. I guess Ms. Munroe's balm really worked.

"Bah. You would have gotten better from it anyway." Intelligent Salad said.

I know, but it made it all go much faster. I think the rest of the world could really benefit from this kind of medicine.

"The people of Wakanda are secretive, Freddy. Even if they had a medical discovery that could change life as we know it forever, they still wouldn't share it." Intelligent Salad said.

Oh hush. Anyway, we have some work to do.

"What? You mean stalking a poor girl, stealing her panties, and feeding them to a man trapped in a tree's body that you met less than a week ago?" Intelligent Salad said.

When you put it that way this sounds really ridiculous and stupid.

I arrived at the track and found the team practicing. Sure enough, I saw her, Gretchen. She was already drenched in sweat and was wiping her forehead off with a towel. There was a creepy dude, Enrique's effeminate friend I think, who was sitting on the bleachers. He grabbed her towel and slinked away with it.

"What a creep. Are you really going to degrade yourself like this, Freddy?" Intelligent Salad said.

Sure I will. I've got nothing else going on today.

"You have homework from Mr. Summers." Intelligent Salad said.

Screw that guy. His lessons didn't mean squat when a sentinel actually attacked me with a pulse rifle.

"A simulation of a sentinel." Intelligent Salad said.

Same difference.

It was getting near the end of track practice. I saw Gretchen walk into the women's locker room. She was in there for a while, probably taking a shower. She returned in normal clothes, her track uniform all bunched up in a laundry hamper outside of the locker room. This was it, my perfect chance to snatch something! I noticed her headband, which looked like someone ran it under a faucet. I snuck over to the hamper and…

"Hey. What do you think you're doing?"

I turned around and saw The Crimson Rooster in front of me. I couldn't see his eyes, as they were covered up by really dark sunglasses, but I did see a huge knife in his hand.

"Are you trying to steal that poor girl's undies?" He said.

"No, I only wanted her sweatband. I…"

Crap. I said the wrong thing. Rooster dug his knife into his arm and made a pair of handcuffs out of his blood.

"Give it a rest. I know what pervs and stoners like you do with that girl's brasweat. You wring it out, drink it, and get high. Well, this is a higher learning institution and we don't take too kindly to that stuff here." The Crimson Rooster said.

"If you want that sweatband, then you'd better grab it now." Intelligent Salad said.

Good plan. I snatched an armful of laundry and ran.

"Get back here, you punk!"

Rooster cut himself again, this time on his wrist. He started to make a boomerang or something that he could throw to hit me, but instead he got woozy and fell down. I guess using your own blood as a weapon sounds cool on paper, but it's really a dumb power.

"You're one to throw stones, Mister I Can Talk To Plants." Intelligent Salad said.

He had a point. My mutant power was almost as dumb. Still, cutting yourself to make blood constructs is just silly. I'd bet he fell over from blood loss all the time. There's probably a good reason why he isn't one of The X-Men.

I ran all the way over to the hill that Dillon was planted on. He seemed to be expecting me.

"You got the opium?" He said.

"No, but I got the next best thing: used gym shorts." I said.

"I know, it sounds idiotic, but it works." Intelligent Salad said.

"Okay, then. Give it here. Bury it all by my roots. We'll see if it really will open my mind."

I dug my hands into the soft dirt and buried Gretchen's dirty laundry. I could hear Dillon making munching noises as he absorbed them.

"Oh yes! Yes! It's working, Freddy. It's working, Intelligent Salad. I can finally be a human again!"

The tree shrank down to the size of a man, a naked little man with a magic wand poking out of his butt.

"So, he was a human after all." Intelligent Salad said.

Dillon put out his arms to try to hug me.

"C'mere, boyo! You did me well, you did!"

I backed away.

"When you get some clothes on." I said.

Dillon laughed.

"That's right. I'm naked now, aren't I? I gotta pull a special someone out of my arse too."

Dillon reach into his rectum and pulled out Bloodywisp. She seemed sad.

"Tom, I liked your bum better when you were a tree." She said.

Tom? Wasn't his name Dillon?

"I believe you got his name wrong." Intelligent Salad said.

Dillon started to think for a moment and laughed again.

"Dillon's not my real name, sonny. I'm Black Tom, a mutant. Oh, but did you know that you get a handsome reward for freeing me?" He said.

It was probably something stupid and useless, knowing him.

He morphed his hand into wood and shot a blast of heat energy at my face. I wasn't expecting it and couldn't dodge. That bastard Black Tom and Bloodywisp both laughed.

"Now you'll be the boy that helped bomb the school. See ya, kid!" They both walked away.

Take down the school? This sounds dangerous, Intelligent Salad.

"It's your fault this happened. If it were up to me, he'd still be a dumb tree."

Yeah, I know. I screwed up. We have to stop him, though, especially if he's going to do something to this school.

"You know, Freddy, you could try talking to…"

I snapped my fingers.

"Got it! I'll ask Lauren to help me. We made a great team back in The Danger Room, so we'll do great in real life too." I said.

"I was going to suggest asking Ms. Munroe. You do know that she can control the weather, right?" Intelligent Salad said.

"Yeah, but she's a sadist. She'd probably have me get hurt while taking him down just because." I said.

Intelligent Salad sighed.

"Very well. You can ask her. Of all the times to follow my love advice, it's the time when something in jeopardy… I swear animal celled beings are the worst."


	10. What, what?

Chapter 10

What, what?

I found Lauren's dorm pretty easy. I knew where she stayed, mostly because I was a creep who followed her around without her knowing and…

"Creep? More like a stalker." Intelligent Salad said.

Hey now, Sting was a stalker in that song Every Breath You Take and people love him.

Intelligent Salad was silent.

"Got you now, didn't I?" I said.

"I'm not going to comment on that one, Freddy, other than saying that you are an idiot." He replied.

I knocked on Lauren's door. When she answered, I noticed that she wasn't wearing her Castro hat. There was also a cooking show on her TV. I guess I caught her in the middle of it.

"Freddy?" She said.

"Lauren, I know this is going to sounds crazy, but there are bad guys on campus and they want to blow up the school." I said.

"This sounds bad. Did you tell campus security?" Lauren said.

I remembered Crimson Rooster passing out after cutting himself. Even if he wasn't unconscious, he'd probably just arrest me and call my parents.

"We don't have any time. We need to hurry. One of them's Black Tom and the other's…"

"Juggernaut?" Lauren said.

"…No, a tiny fairy that lives in his butt named Bloodywisp." I said.

"Oh. What? That doesn't sound right." Lauren said.

"Strange or not, they plan on bombing the school. We need to hurry." I said.

"You're right. Let's go." She said.

She grabbed me by the wrist and rushed me down the hall.

"You don't even know where they are!" I said.

"Does it matter? If we save the day, I'll be a shoe-in for The X-Men. I can be the next big superhero! Oh man, I'd better start thinking of my codename. Wasp Woman? Naw. Queen Bee? Too Generic. Oh! What about The Green Hornet?"

"Already taken. Besides, you're not green." I said.

She didn't seem to be listening.

"I would've gone with Green Whore-net." Intelligent Salad laughed.

Shut up. She isn't a whore.

When we got outside, I noticed that the skies were dark and there was lightning crackling in the clouds.

"It looks like Ms. Munroe must have found them first." Intelligent Salad said.

A sound of thunder by the tennis courts was heard.

"They're that way." I said.

I led Lauren over to the tennis courts and sure enough, I saw them, Black Tom and Bloodywisp. There was an eerie glow around the fairy's magic wand.

"Over there!" Lauren said.

She pointed to Ms. Munroe, who was surrounded in swords. They formed a cage around her. She was hyperventilating and holding her chest.

"Oh Storm, you are such a doll." Black Tom said.

Bloodywisp's wand glowed some more. The cage of blades closed in on her, some of the points being close to her neck.

"You know, you'd be a real thorn in my side if ya didn't have such and easy weakness." Black Tom said.

"Should we kill her? I want to see some gore, Tom." Bloodywisp said.

"Yeah, but make it slow. There's something about a sadist's pain that is… karmic." Black Tom said.

Shit. I needed to do something, fast.

Intelligent Salad cut in.

"Well, you could…"

I didn't have time to listen to him. It was now or never. My mutant power wasn't the best. In fact, it was close to useless, but I had heart. I had spirit. I had determination. I had The Touch.

"Stan Bush… Really, Freddy?" Intelligent Salad said.

It was playing in my mind as I stood up to those villains.

"Hey!" I shouted.

Black Tom and Bloodywisp looked at me.

"Let her go right now or I'll…"

"You'll what, sic your vicious salad on me?" Black Tom scoffed. He turned to the fairy.

"Cane me, madam."

Bloodywisp reached her hand up her dress and pulled a fancy wooden cane from out of her butt and tossed it to Black Tom. I wasn't sure how this was physically possible. The cane was larger than she was!

"It's a hyperspace arse, Freddy. It must be where she got those swords." Intelligent Salad said.

His cane glowed. I could tell he was going to fire a heat blast at me. To be honest, I was scared, but I didn't show it.

"You think I'm afraid of you? Come on, Black Tom, you little bitch. I'll kick your ass."

I put up my fists and approached him. Black Tom fired from his cane. I jumped out of the way, just like how I did back in The Danger Room, and slugged the guy in the face. He fell down. Holy crap! Did I just do that?

"You're stronger than you probably think, Freddy. Now duck!" Intelligent Salad said.

I ducked down and narrowly avoided getting a sword through my head. I turned around and saw Bloodywisp pulling another sword from out of her ass. Like the cane, it was larger than she was.

"There's more where that came from." She said with a creepy smile.

I started to run toward Bloodywisp, but before I could punch her, I felt something hot hit me in the side. I fell down and saw Black Tom standing above me. Intelligent Salad spoke up.

"Freddy, get up and…"

Black Tom grabbed him from my hands.

"You know, you're pissing me off." He said.

Black Tom took a mouthful of lettuce and shoved it into his mouth.

"Freddy, help!" Intelligent Salad said.

I tried to get up, but Bloodywisp put a sword up to my chest.

"No. you watch. Watch as your best friend is eaten." She said.

Intelligent Salad screamed in agony as Black Tom took another handful of my best friend and shoveled him into his mouth.

"Freddy, help me! Help!" He shouted.

I was speechless. The sight of it, my best friend dying, and being unable to do anything about it… I could've tried to strengthen him, but there was no point. His body was already being digested by Black Tom's stomach acid. All I could do was scream.

"Nooooooo!"

Black Tom laughed.

"He could use some ranch dressing." The villain said as he took the last few bites out of my best friend.

I felt weak, weak and worthless. My best friend, a talking salad, was dead. He was my guide, the one person… er, salad that was truly looking out for me. He always gave me advice, always helped me when I needed it. He was there for me. I was never apart from him. The salad was eaten. I cried.

Black Tom smacked his lips and discarded Intelligent Salad's bowl that I used to carry him in.

"Right. Now for the main course!" He pointed his cane at me. I thought I was going to die. I…

"What is that infernal buzzing sound?" Black Tom said.

I looked up and saw Lauren, now in insect form, swooping down from the sky. She landed on Black Tom and jammed her stinger into his back. Blood flew everywhere, mostly hers. Black Tom screamed in pain. Bloodywisp turned her sword away from me and toward her. This was my chance!

I stood up and grabbed Bloodywisp with my hands.

"Gotcha!" She started to point her sword back at me again, but I used my hands to twist her head off. It was… messy. I felt a little weird about doing this, like I just murdered someone. Well, she was a fairy and I guess if I have to kill a fairy to save the school, then I'll do what I must.

I turned to Black Tom, who had dropped his cane and was on the ground, struggling to get Lauren off of him. I was going to help her, until I saw a bolt of thunder surged toward him. Lauren flew off of Black Tom, who was promptly electrocuted.

I turned around and saw that Storm was now free from Bloodywisp's cage. She had this horrible smile on her, the kind that I thought only villains had.

"Where's the bomb, Black Tom?" She said.

He laughed.

"It's in my arse."

She electrocuted him again.

"I enjoy this, you know. Shocking people is rather… sensual to me." Ms. Munroe said.

"No, I think he's serious. He's shoved things up his butt before." I said.

"What? You're kidding, right?" Lauren said.

"I'm afraid not. Turn him over. I want to take a look." I said.

Storm grabbed Black Tom by the wrists. The villain was unfortunately still naked.

"Careful. There's poo in there." Black Tom said.

I ignored him and reached my hand into his rectum and… sure enough, I found something in there, a metal rod with a numbers on it. They were counting down.

"What's the payload on this thing?" Storm said.

"It's a genetic bomb. When it goes off, all mutants in a five mile radius will lose their powers. Except me. I've got this magic fairy enchantment you see, and…"

Storm smacked him.

"Tell me how to disarm it."

"Why? You wouldn't kill me. Besides, if I stall long enough, the bomb goes off, The X-Men all lose their powers, and then no one will be there to save the world when I take over."

Black Tom let out an evil laugh.

Storm gave a smirk.

"Fine." She said. Ms. Munroe turned to me. "How much time is left on that thing?"

"About an hour." I said.

Lauren let out a chuckle.

"Aren't bad guys supposed to have bombs with only a few minutes left?" She said.

"Uh… Shut up." He said.

Well, I guess we lucked out on that one.

"Let's take him to Jean Grey. She'll pick his mind and tell us how to disarm this thing." Storm said.

She led the way. I guess I saved the day? Or maybe I just helped save the day. Either way, we stopped a couple of villains and that was enough.


	11. Make Like A Tree and Leave

Chapter 11

Make Like A Tree and Leave

Bloodywisp was dead. Black Tom was behind bars. Jean Grey used her crazy psychic powers to read his mind and disarm the bomb. Everything worked out well, except for one thing… My salad was gone.

I painted a portrait of Intelligent Salad in Mr. Rasputin's class. I tried to make him look his best, with extra carrots, radishes, and cucumbers. I was sure to draw him as romaine lettuce too. I added one extra touch, a light Caesar dressing and some chopped up eggs on top. I'm sure he would've loved that. People tend to view others in an idealized light after someone dies. I wanted to make my friend look as delicious as possible for his portrait.

Playing video games in my underwear wasn't what it used to be. Intelligent Salad was always there wisecracking on how stupid the games I liked were or giving me hell for not doing something more productive with my time. It just wasn't the same.

I was at lunch one day, eating a salad. It wasn't a smart one either. It just went "Doy, doy, doy!" like a big idiot, even as I covered it in croutons and ripped it apart with my fork. It tasted good, but… I'd be lying if I didn't say I was looking for a new best friend in that salad.

No.

I needed to move on. I needed a new friend. I saw Lauren, eating alone at a lunch table across from mine. I needed to talk to her, for real this time. It was what Intelligent Salad would have wanted for me. I stood up and walked over to her.

"Hey, mind if I sit with you?" I said.

"Not at all." She replied.

I noticed that she had a copy of Dune in her bookbag. Holy crap! I read Dune too. Okay, so I got into it through playing its computer games, but still.

"You into Herbert?" I said.

"I just started the series. It's good so far." Lauren said.

It was a start of a beautiful friendship, one that I would cherish for the rest of my life.

Thank you, Intelligent Salad.

This story is dedicated to anyone reading who likes salad. Salad is awesome. I love salad.

Thank you for reading my story.

The End


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